On Eves and Lost Memories

Every Christmas Eve seems different in my mind.  I keep thinking that the year before lasts’ was the best.  That there was more excitement, that I was better prepared.  Somehow I think I have started lying to myself to make me think I could do better.  Seems to work for most things, I got out of bed before 9 (AH! Gasp) today and got on our stationary bike and booked it for an hour.  I rode my horse, read the paper, ate breakfast and read a little bit.  Most of this would be an incredible accomplishment for a day, but on Christmas Eve I still feel like I have presents to get for mom and dad, and I KNOW there are bundles that need to be wrapped.  Right now I cannot for the life of me find the motivation to wrap.  Part of that may be because I would really prefer spending the night reading my dad’s gift, he got the best one.  Part of that may also be that I’d rather write poetry, or, as you can now read, write this blog.  There just seems to be no more magic in this gift giving business anymore.

This Christmas is the first holiday I’ve been home for, I missed Thanksgiving.  It’s been strange being home.  I got all my gifts before I got home except for one very strange present for dad that I hope he appreciates.....we’ll see.  He’ll get an Academy Award for smiling when he unwraps the brilliant wooden puzzles we found for him on our mad dash through the mall.  I’m not that “Christmas” person anymore, last year I was one.  I was singing carols from October to February.  Now I just want my summer and Fourth of July.  That’s okay to me, I can get through 4 more weeks of family.

As the year closes I’ve been falling asleep in my all too quiet and VERY lonely room reflecting on how little space I have grown accustomed to.  You can’t lose things as easily when you have the equivalent of a large bathroom stall as your side of the room.  Now, you can make a very big mess and there is no telling the things you mix up, but you can not lose things quite as easily.  Most of the time they are right there in front of you.  Jumping out of your bathroom stall box and into the larger box of college campus you don’t need much to survive, only a small amount of academic know-how and a little bit of pixie dust and you can achieve almost anything.  Out of your box, you need a little more spunk and pixie dust.

I intend to manufacture this pixie dust.  I’m happier and more content than I’ve been in a while.  Santa can come, or he could not.  It’s all fine, I’m here with my family and I will be gone back to Missoula in a couple weeks, and it’s all fine.  I saw my horse today and I miss him, but he will still be here while I’m away and everybody loves him.  My music comes with me everywhere and keeps me sane, and I can’t quite stop imagining the shenanigans that will ensue after I’ve gotten back.  And as I finish typing this I’m already imagining ways to explain Montana to dad, oh dear.....

On Finals and Slush

Every week should be finals week.  Why you ask?  Well, I get to sit in La Peak for hours and people watch as well as spend time working on photos.  In La Peak I can people watch and nobody cares.  I guess if I had spent more of my time this semester studying and less going on facebook or running around town it would feel more like this.  The problem lies in engaging material.  During finals week nobody asks me something I haven’t hear before.  I like being able to spit out an answer and if it requires and excess of Bull and a side of...umm...crap....I’m more than happy to oblige.  Oh, and the fact that nobody questions my intake of caffeine, even though it is less than normal.  I’m beginning to wonder the effects it has on me.  The double shot espresso in a can I had this morning didn’t seem to make me feel more awake than when I woke and I was ready to go.  The double shot americano I’m relying on right now to get me through my math final doesn’t seem to be doing any good.  I’m falling asleep.  The loud, easily associated with, music playing in La Peak right now is probably not helping.  If no one was watching I’d probably crash right now.

I cannot wait until I get home.  I’m excited to see everyone, but I can’t really think past what that drive home is gonna be like.  So much snow, and so cold!  You people back home are crazy.  We got that crazy weather done with a month ago.  Now it’s almost forty and precipitating.  I’m not really sure what to classify what’s falling from the sky but we’re gonna go with slush.

So, finals are pretty good right now.  No major heart attacks, no tears, no complaining.  Well, a little complaining.  I read my philosophy book again and realized how ridiculous it is.  I started laughing halfway through.  My conclusion in my essay on the final was an entire page of me explaining that whatever was just read, including the test, does not exist.  So, I’m thinking that an A is in order for remembering my Descartes.  Or not.

Tumblr.com is a new favorite of mine.  It’s a little easier to upload and update than this one.  Ooooooh. Sorry, the chocolate sauce just came up in my drink. Yummy.

The precipitation has ended outside.  What does it mean?  I have no clue.  My weekly trips to Albertsons have taught me that if your really hungry, you will get food.  No matter the weather or the condition your brain is in.

Holy Crap!!! The sun is out the sun is out the sun is out!!!

This is a fantastic new development.  I must explore.

And Honestly, nothing new has happened so you all will just have to wait until I have experience lonely airport adventures.  People watching will be at its best.

On Discoveries and Snow

There are many things I’ve discovered in the past few days.  Mostly that I will never be fully satisfied with my day.  I always want to be able to do more, and sometimes I try, but most of the time all the energy has leaked out of me.  Not to mention the daily stress of walking on ice.  I took the wonderful time today to put on my nice boots only to be rudely reminded how much they are NOT meant for Montana winters.  I wish someone had videotaped my walk from Miller Hall to the Country store.  Especially since at the time it was to Eminems’ “Not Afraid”, it was classy.  At least I looked like a crazy person; better that than looking normal and falling on my ass.

Further discovery has brought me to my old NSYNC songs.  I remembered all the lyrics and could belt them loud enough for people outside to say something, as I discovered my window wide open.  Closing the window I looked out for snow, finding none a nap was in order.  Naps are wonderful little inventions and the essence as to why college and Kindergarten are so similar.  We take snack breaks and nap breaks.  There are art projects and homework that no one really does.  New friendships are made as we enter an entirely new education system.  The kids on the playground change groups everyday.  “They’re just kids” is the all too repeated excuse.  I love it.

I walked home today from my friends dorm room and looked up at the mountain as I avoided giant melted puddles of slush that mother nature has left so nicely for me to sidestep.  In Wisconsin the sky line is dark for as far as the eye can see.  In Montana you have to look up higher above the lighter mountains that illuminate the sky.  In the winter they are a soft blue against the cobalt of the sky.  I’ll miss these mountains when I get back.  They hold me in like a giant hug, keeping me safe.  This reminds me to go hiking in the snow after break.

This has been a quick reflection.  I must go watch Glee now and try to forget I have finals in 4 days.  What if I just said no?

On Finals and Break

As I enter into finals week, and the last Friday of real classes of the semester I have time to reflect.  I found I cannot live without horses and riding.  I found I love learning when humor is involved and actively discussing issues that are morally and ethically relevant.  I miss taking photos, and plan on double majoring in wildlife biology and photojournalism.  Writing has become a necessary tool in forming my ideas and letting out my frustrations.

The week before I left for Missoula I had so many doubts about surviving and the “Northern Texas” has proven that it has challenges.  Many of them intellectual mountains more than literal.  I thought I was an open person until I came here and discovered I was just non-confrontational.  I still have issues seeing all sides of a situation, but that is true learning, and will never come easy.

Fall semester has gone by so fast and I don’t necessarily feel like it was wasted.  I learned to smile at everyone that walks by, the worst thing they can do is think you’re insane, which probably wouldn't be too far off.  Saying hello and introducing yourself isn’t weird, and we should all do it more often.  Also, writing postcards and letters is fun, not that anyone could read my handwriting but that isn’t really new.  Keyboards are wonderful little inventions and when we have to write with a stylus on the computer screen I might object loudly, but I digress.  I’ve met many new people and connected more in the last two weeks and I’m actually sad I won’t get to see them for 5 weeks.  It’s almost a step back, but knowing they will be here when I get back is weird too.  I wonder if it will feel like I missed five weeks in Missoula.  It’s “Vacation” isn’t it?  Does this mean that I’m not really going home?  I have yet to determine this. 

I keep playing that moment I’ll descend down the escalator to see my family.  It then becomes too melodramatic.  I wish I could pack today and it all be set.  I’m not even sure I’ll make it through the airports alone.  Missoula will be fine, but Minneapolis will be a scary excursion.  I’ll have to identify the alphabet with directional arrows and that can’t be a good sign.  At least it’s not Detroit and every sign is followed with descriptions in Japanese and Chinese that beg you to decipher them.

I don’t know how it’ll go.  I don’t know if I have much more energy to write more.  I have more thoughts to get down before I leave.  I’ll visit them tomorrow.  For now, I should go focus my attention on missing Bones episodes and my music.

Volume on High.